Prison system in need of correction - NJ.com

Prison system in need of correction - NJ.com

Choice: Sex Offender or my 2 young daughters?

Michael B, I lived with a registered sex offender and had 2 miscarriages by him. I wanted him to have a normal home and happy life. He has 2 girls from a marriage before. He says he wasn’t there when it happen. I know they all say that but I feel deep down his family would not lie, even his mom. It has been over between us now for 3 weeks and it is hard. I love him but he says his 2 years in prison changed him and he hates the world. I don't know if I should give him a chance or not. I am scared of him and my kids even though he didn’t do it. We was so happy together until I had to tell my family everything about him then it was miserable and I miscarried 2 times. I am now back home with my parents everyone wants me to live their life for them and I want to live my own life. I know the consequences. I could loose my girls and I don't want that? Help me figure out what is best. Confused.

Dear Confused, If you say that you could lose your 2 girls if you stay in this relationship, how could you be confused about what to do? You admit that you are afraid of him. You need to protect your girls and give them a chance to have normal and happy lives. What I hear you saying is that you are trying to decide between this man and your daughters. When he says he “hates the world”, he is as much as telling you that he cannot be trusted and needs to be alone. I am surprised your state authorities allow someone who is registered as a sex offender to live with you in the first place. Most states would not approve a parole residency plan for a person convicted of a sex offense, in a home with young children. You need to think about giving your girls “a chance” and let this man work his own issues out. Sorry about your miscarraiges. Best of luck.

Boyfriend likes it doggie style

Michael B, My situation is this, I met someone in prison and he has been paroled to live with me. I truly think he is doing great because he was away 14 years, however we have never went anywhere together other than the grocery store. I have never met his children or any of his family. We are intimate if that's what you want to call it, but we have never taken a shower together. I feel like I'm living with a good friend and that's fine, but I don't know if this is related to being institutionalized or he is just excluding me from his life. Because he pays bills, has met some of my family and in the house it's all good with just the two of us. For example, he brings home a movie or two and we have dinner/snack and watch T.V. That's okay, but I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume he is just trying to get over. However, I'm just concerned because he lost his mom while in prison and since his release 2 years ago he has not shown me a picture of her. Also, he is meeting family members he doesn't know, but I'm not invited to come along. I respect the fact that he wants to get to know himself, but he has me asking questions about him that I don't want to try and figure out. I don't want to live a lie. I even question his sexuality, because he only wants to enter me from the back when we have sex. I don't want to throw him out, but I have to always think of myself and I am the mother of two boys. I want to give him time, but the way he is doing things hurt my feelings and I try expressing that to him and I don't know if he understands what I am saying or if he just doesn't care. Honestly, I am not in love with this man because based on what he has shown me I don't respect him. But, I am a kind person and if I can show him how to live again, then I have done my part, however I don't deserve to hurt. He went to prison at 21 yrs. old, so there is so much he doesn't know because he never lived with a woman. But, I don't want to make excuses for being used. He isn't disrespectful and shows affection like whenever he leaves for work he always gives me a kiss. I ‘m Lost in loving a man after prison. FR

Dear FR, His behavior may just be the natural after-effects of spending 21 years in prison. For example, the fact that he isn’t as romantic and intimate as you would like may certainly be the result of being away from woman so long. Maybe you will have to suggest taking a shower together. However, there seems to be more to it than that. The reason he doesn’t want to be seen in public with you sounds personal. You seem to have a lot of negative issues about this man - going so far as to question his sexuality. Sure, entering from back is something one could pick up in 21 years of prison, but you didn't say he doesn't have good aim. Maybe he just likes it doggie style. The key things you say are that you are not in love with this man and, more importantly, you don't respect him. Why are you with a man you don’t love or respect? You can fool yourself into staying in this relationship and continue to be hurt because you say you want to help him “learn how to live”. That means you are choosing his happiness over your own and your boys. Unfortunately, your situation is a classic example of what usually occurs when people who really don’t know one another get married. Best of luck.

Boyfriend Can't Get a Job

Hello, I'm a 23 year old, second year medical student. The father of my child (my boyfriend) was released from prison a little while ago. For the past couple of months he has been getting temporary jobs. He wants a permanent position with a company but does not know where to start because of his past criminal history. At times he get very discouraged and depressed. I'm trying to be a strong black woman and stand by his side for the sake of our child and because I love him so much. What can we do to make things better? I've read your books, but, I'm still kind of puzzled because his parole officer is not very helpful at all. She told him to go get a job at McDonald's and we both know that working minimum wage is not going to work for a 26 year old man. Please help I'm so confused.

Dear Confused, First, I want to congratulate you on succeeding into your second year of med school. Your personal growth and well being is what is utmost important in your life because whatever happens you have your future and the future of your baby to think about. Your boyfriend has to hang in and just keep doing the right things and eventually he will find that job he is looking for. It is normal for a man to get discouraged and depressed in the early days after release. He has to take it one day, one step at a time. McDonald's is not something he wants to do for the rest of his life and it is not going to pay the bills, but it may be the first step he has to take to get where he wants to be in the future. The po is probably pushing him to get a steady job because a requirement of his parole. He has to suck it up and do what he has to do to be at home with his family. You must be strong, but so must he. In the end he is going to make his own decisions and hopefully they will be the right ones. Below is the web address for the Employment Resource Handbook put out by the Bureau of Prisons. It has excellent information to help your boyfriend in his job and resources search. It is also free. Do Good. MB

http://www.bop.gov/inmate_programs/emp_info_handbk.pdf

Relocating Parole to Another State

My husband has been out on parole for about 2 1/2 years. He is working for a roofing company in Texas. He has a great opportunity to work those storms that they had in Orlando, Florida in fact his parole officer gave him a travel permit twice. He has to come back once a month to report but now after sixty days and moving all his equipment and men and trucks to Florida the parole officer decides he can't go anymore because of the nature of his crime. He wants to relocate to Florida, is that possible and can you give me any ideas how to go about it? With the new laws and bylaws for the interstate compact it’s very hard to decipher what I can do to help. I have my employer’s support and a cousin willing to allow me to live with him. This is the same employer I have worked with over 11 years. Is there any thing I can do to better my chances? NMJ

Dear NMJ, The first thing your husband has to do is determine if he is eligible, based on the interstate compact guidelines of both Texas and Florida. If you cannot depend on the information from the parole officer, you will have to find a way to get the information on your own. It is safe to say that even if is he does qualify for a transfer there is no guarantee that Florida will accept him. States are very hesitant to accept supervision responsibilities of someone from out of state, especially if they do not have any family or other ties to that state. Among other things, Florida will probably want him to have an “acceptable” residence in place, as well as a solid job promise, not speculation. You will have to provide written proof of these things and the Florida authorities will everything check everything twice. The best you can do is help your husband find out the requirements and start collecting the necessary information and putting together a viable written plan of what he intends to do if he should be granted a transfer to Florida. Good luck.

Future PO asks: Can I help?

Is it possible for a parole officer to actually help a former inmate rehabilitate if s/he wants to be helped? I'm considering a career as a P.O. but want to know if I can really help people (i.e., support, job placement, etc.). I don't want to waste my time if I'm just going to end up sending people back to prison for failing drug tests or petty offenses. Do you know of anyone who believes that their P.O. made a positive difference in their lives? Future PO

Dear FPO, A parole officer can play a major role in the success, as well as the failure, of the people they supervise. Of course there are the exceptions, but I believe most parole officers would prefer to help someone get a job than to lock them up. Not all will go the extra step to help that person get the job, however, I know many people who have had a PO make a positive difference in their lives, The problem is that sometimes you’ll find yourself not only hitting a wall with the people you supervise; you may also have to overcome the shortcomings and restrictions of the criminal justice system itself. Unfortunately, despite your best efforts and intentions, a lot of people are still going to fail drug tests, commit petty offenses and violate their parole conditions in some way. When that happens you will have to do what you have to do. Be fair, be consistent, be clear about your expectations, show your clients basic respect as people and keep it real. You will be fine. Best of luck. MB

Preparing Inside for Parole

First I would like to say I enjoyed reading the previous email that many have written you. I have a two-part question. First, a dear friend of mine you is currently serving time in a NYC facility for 2nd degree murder will be going up for parole in a couple of years. How soon should he start preparing documents etc., and do you recommend the assistance from a lawyer. Secondly, what is the likely hood of him being granted parole his 1st time up, providing he has been "ideal" inmate. Thank you. M

Dear M, It is never too early to begin building a portfolio of letters, documents, etc., that he would want the parole board to know about. Hopefully he is taking advantage of whatever programs and services that are available where he is, such as, school, counseling, self-improvement courses and other personal achievements he has made while in prison. As far as a lawyer, there usually is no need for one at a parole hearing. They don’t have much influence on what the Board decides to do. The specific details of a particular crime plays a big part in whether a parole board grants parole or not, but there is not guessing who they will parole and who they won’t. the best thing is for your friend to do all he can to show that he has spent his time in prison trying to make himself a better person who will not pose a public safety risk. Good luck. MB