Prison Wives Club

Education in Prison

2011-12-18T18:30:00.001-05:00

Hi Michael,

First I want to congratulate you on your book "How to love and inspire your man after prison". The title to this book fulfills and exceeds what I was looking for when I went online searching for help. Short version to my long story. My fiancé was locked up earlier this year and is not due to get out till 2016. He is at a federal prison in LA- Polluck ups.

I Am out here educating myself about life with a loved one that is incarcerated and at the same time trying to help him in each and every way I can. He would love to do some college courses so that he can increase his employment opportunities once he gets out. The few distance colleges that would offer him anything are too expensive for me. Is there any other direction that you can point me into? To my shock the government no longer offers college grants to inmates.

Happy holidays and may as many Blessings continue to pour your way, for you and your family.

Thanks Rita

Hi Rita, i'm happy you found my book helpful. I want to refer you to this website at Prisontalk.com. -http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=54695 -.

PTO is a really helpful and supportive online community of people with loved ones in prison. The info on this page is a little dated, but many of the links may still be relevant. You can also talk to and get advice fro others in the chat rooms about what services are out there.

You may also want to send him other mind stimulating materials such as books. My book "How to Do Good After Prison: A Handbook for Successful Reentry", is a good start. It has tip and suggestions for him to be proactive in his own personal growth while in prison. Send a variety and wide range of reading materiel, as reading is the important thing. I speak about that in "How to Inspire Your Man After Prison".

Let me know how you make out.Happy Holidays to you and yours also. Good luck. Do Good! mbj

Wife Cheats on Incarcerated Hubby

2010-03-15T14:55:00.006-04:00

Dear Michael,

i am writing to you because i am at loss at where to go from this moment. my husband has been in prison for only eighteen months. we expected he would be down for at least four years. we have three small children. one night i went out with some friends. i had sex with some other man. now he may get to come home early. i don't want to live a lie. but i don't want to loose him either. he has told me over and over that he will love me always no matter what. but i am terrified that what he said and what he meant were two different things. please help me to decide whats best for my family. i honestly couldn't see living a day in my life with out him. thanks, should've stayed home. Laci

Dear Laci,

Your question seems to be whether or not you should tell your husband that you had sex with another man while he was in prison.

Speaking as a married man who loves his wife, I feel that I would also love her “no matter what”. However, that doesn’t mean that I would not be devastated and heart broken if she told me that she had slept with another man. I’m not saying it would be quick or easy, but when the drama dust settled, I think I could find a way to forgive her and work through. Maybe I would try to understand her position, especially if I had left her alone to raise 3 small children while I was in prison. If I were to find out about it from a third source, it would add the elements of betrayal and distrust in the mix that would be much harder for me (as a man) to overcome in our relationship. On the other hand, I believe somewhat in the old adage “what you don’t know won’t hurt you”. You did say that he said he would love you always “no matter what”. You must decide whether he meant it. I talk more about this and other relationship situations in my book "How to Love & Inspire Your Man After Prison" by Michael B. Jackson. I wish you and your husband the best of luck. Do Good. mbj

Prison system in need of correction - NJ.com

2009-09-03T20:50:00.000-04:00

Prison system in need of correction - NJ.com

Choice: Sex Offender or my 2 young daughters?

2009-08-19T20:50:00.005-04:00

Michael B, I lived with a registered sex offender and had 2 miscarriages by him. I wanted him to have a normal home and happy life. He has 2 girls from a marriage before. He says he wasn’t there when it happen. I know they all say that but I feel deep down his family would not lie, even his mom. It has been over between us now for 3 weeks and it is hard. I love him but he says his 2 years in prison changed him and he hates the world. I don't know if I should give him a chance or not. I am scared of him and my kids even though he didn’t do it. We was so happy together until I had to tell my family everything about him then it was miserable and I miscarried 2 times. I am now back home with my parents everyone wants me to live their life for them and I want to live my own life. I know the consequences. I could loose my girls and I don't want that? Help me figure out what is best. Confused.

Dear Confused, If you say that you could lose your 2 girls if you stay in this relationship, how could you be confused about what to do? You admit that you are afraid of him. You need to protect your girls and give them a chance to have normal and happy lives. What I hear you saying is that you are trying to decide between this man and your daughters. When he says he “hates the world”, he is as much as telling you that he cannot be trusted and needs to be alone. I am surprised your state authorities allow someone who is registered as a sex offender to live with you in the first place. Most states would not approve a parole residency plan for a person convicted of a sex offense, in a home with young children. You need to think about giving your girls “a chance” and let this man work his own issues out. Sorry about your miscarraiges. Best of luck.

Boyfriend likes it doggie style

2009-08-19T20:22:00.002-04:00

Michael B, My situation is this, I met someone in prison and he has been paroled to live with me. I truly think he is doing great because he was away 14 years, however we have never went anywhere together other than the grocery store. I have never met his children or any of his family. We are intimate if that's what you want to call it, but we have never taken a shower together. I feel like I'm living with a good friend and that's fine, but I don't know if this is related to being institutionalized or he is just excluding me from his life. Because he pays bills, has met some of my family and in the house it's all good with just the two of us. For example, he brings home a movie or two and we have dinner/snack and watch T.V. That's okay, but I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume he is just trying to get over. However, I'm just concerned because he lost his mom while in prison and since his release 2 years ago he has not shown me a picture of her. Also, he is meeting family members he doesn't know, but I'm not invited to come along. I respect the fact that he wants to get to know himself, but he has me asking questions about him that I don't want to try and figure out. I don't want to live a lie. I even question his sexuality, because he only wants to enter me from the back when we have sex. I don't want to throw him out, but I have to always think of myself and I am the mother of two boys. I want to give him time, but the way he is doing things hurt my feelings and I try expressing that to him and I don't know if he understands what I am saying or if he just doesn't care. Honestly, I am not in love with this man because based on what he has shown me I don't respect him. But, I am a kind person and if I can show him how to live again, then I have done my part, however I don't deserve to hurt. He went to prison at 21 yrs. old, so there is so much he doesn't know because he never lived with a woman. But, I don't want to make excuses for being used. He isn't disrespectful and shows affection like whenever he leaves for work he always gives me a kiss. I ‘m Lost in loving a man after prison. FR

Dear FR, His behavior may just be the natural after-effects of spending 21 years in prison. For example, the fact that he isn’t as romantic and intimate as you would like may certainly be the result of being away from woman so long. Maybe you will have to suggest taking a shower together. However, there seems to be more to it than that. The reason he doesn’t want to be seen in public with you sounds personal. You seem to have a lot of negative issues about this man - going so far as to question his sexuality. Sure, entering from back is something one could pick up in 21 years of prison, but you didn't say he doesn't have good aim. Maybe he just likes it doggie style. The key things you say are that you are not in love with this man and, more importantly, you don't respect him. Why are you with a man you don’t love or respect? You can fool yourself into staying in this relationship and continue to be hurt because you say you want to help him “learn how to live”. That means you are choosing his happiness over your own and your boys. Unfortunately, your situation is a classic example of what usually occurs when people who really don’t know one another get married. Best of luck.

Boyfriend Can't Get a Job

2009-07-01T20:47:00.003-04:00

Hello, I'm a 23 year old, second year medical student. The father of my child (my boyfriend) was released from prison a little while ago. For the past couple of months he has been getting temporary jobs. He wants a permanent position with a company but does not know where to start because of his past criminal history. At times he get very discouraged and depressed. I'm trying to be a strong black woman and stand by his side for the sake of our child and because I love him so much. What can we do to make things better? I've read your books, but, I'm still kind of puzzled because his parole officer is not very helpful at all. She told him to go get a job at McDonald's and we both know that working minimum wage is not going to work for a 26 year old man. Please help I'm so confused.

Dear Confused, First, I want to congratulate you on succeeding into your second year of med school. Your personal growth and well being is what is utmost important in your life because whatever happens you have your future and the future of your baby to think about. Your boyfriend has to hang in and just keep doing the right things and eventually he will find that job he is looking for. It is normal for a man to get discouraged and depressed in the early days after release. He has to take it one day, one step at a time. McDonald's is not something he wants to do for the rest of his life and it is not going to pay the bills, but it may be the first step he has to take to get where he wants to be in the future. The po is probably pushing him to get a steady job because a requirement of his parole. He has to suck it up and do what he has to do to be at home with his family. You must be strong, but so must he. In the end he is going to make his own decisions and hopefully they will be the right ones. Below is the web address for the Employment Resource Handbook put out by the Bureau of Prisons. It has excellent information to help your boyfriend in his job and resources search. It is also free. Do Good. MB

http://www.bop.gov/inmate_programs/emp_info_handbk.pdf

Relocating Parole to Another State

2009-07-01T20:34:00.001-04:00

My husband has been out on parole for about 2 1/2 years. He is working for a roofing company in Texas. He has a great opportunity to work those storms that they had in Orlando, Florida in fact his parole officer gave him a travel permit twice. He has to come back once a month to report but now after sixty days and moving all his equipment and men and trucks to Florida the parole officer decides he can't go anymore because of the nature of his crime. He wants to relocate to Florida, is that possible and can you give me any ideas how to go about it? With the new laws and bylaws for the interstate compact it’s very hard to decipher what I can do to help. I have my employer’s support and a cousin willing to allow me to live with him. This is the same employer I have worked with over 11 years. Is there any thing I can do to better my chances? NMJ

Dear NMJ, The first thing your husband has to do is determine if he is eligible, based on the interstate compact guidelines of both Texas and Florida. If you cannot depend on the information from the parole officer, you will have to find a way to get the information on your own. It is safe to say that even if is he does qualify for a transfer there is no guarantee that Florida will accept him. States are very hesitant to accept supervision responsibilities of someone from out of state, especially if they do not have any family or other ties to that state. Among other things, Florida will probably want him to have an “acceptable” residence in place, as well as a solid job promise, not speculation. You will have to provide written proof of these things and the Florida authorities will everything check everything twice. The best you can do is help your husband find out the requirements and start collecting the necessary information and putting together a viable written plan of what he intends to do if he should be granted a transfer to Florida. Good luck.

Future PO asks: Can I help?

2009-07-01T20:30:00.002-04:00

Is it possible for a parole officer to actually help a former inmate rehabilitate if s/he wants to be helped? I'm considering a career as a P.O. but want to know if I can really help people (i.e., support, job placement, etc.). I don't want to waste my time if I'm just going to end up sending people back to prison for failing drug tests or petty offenses. Do you know of anyone who believes that their P.O. made a positive difference in their lives? Future PO

Dear FPO, A parole officer can play a major role in the success, as well as the failure, of the people they supervise. Of course there are the exceptions, but I believe most parole officers would prefer to help someone get a job than to lock them up. Not all will go the extra step to help that person get the job, however, I know many people who have had a PO make a positive difference in their lives, The problem is that sometimes you’ll find yourself not only hitting a wall with the people you supervise; you may also have to overcome the shortcomings and restrictions of the criminal justice system itself. Unfortunately, despite your best efforts and intentions, a lot of people are still going to fail drug tests, commit petty offenses and violate their parole conditions in some way. When that happens you will have to do what you have to do. Be fair, be consistent, be clear about your expectations, show your clients basic respect as people and keep it real. You will be fine. Best of luck. MB

Preparing Inside for Parole

2009-07-01T20:26:00.001-04:00

First I would like to say I enjoyed reading the previous email that many have written you. I have a two-part question. First, a dear friend of mine you is currently serving time in a NYC facility for 2nd degree murder will be going up for parole in a couple of years. How soon should he start preparing documents etc., and do you recommend the assistance from a lawyer. Secondly, what is the likely hood of him being granted parole his 1st time up, providing he has been "ideal" inmate. Thank you. M

Dear M, It is never too early to begin building a portfolio of letters, documents, etc., that he would want the parole board to know about. Hopefully he is taking advantage of whatever programs and services that are available where he is, such as, school, counseling, self-improvement courses and other personal achievements he has made while in prison. As far as a lawyer, there usually is no need for one at a parole hearing. They don’t have much influence on what the Board decides to do. The specific details of a particular crime plays a big part in whether a parole board grants parole or not, but there is not guessing who they will parole and who they won’t. the best thing is for your friend to do all he can to show that he has spent his time in prison trying to make himself a better person who will not pose a public safety risk. Good luck. MB

Daughter being Used by Prison Penpal?

2009-07-01T20:20:00.003-04:00

I have a situation and hope that you can give me some input on how I handle the situation on hand. My daughter is 27 years old and was happy living with (I thought) with her boyfriend for seven years. Lately, my daughter boyfriend informed me that he notices my daughter is acting strange, staying out from time to time and telling him that she is with her family. In one of these outing he found more then fifty letters from various men in jail. My problem is not that they are in jail. My problem is that these men all tell her what she wants to hear and then ask her to bring them things. I know from experience that many of these individuals are lonely and need someone, but what I don't understand is they don't even take the time to see that the person on the outside has needs too. They all give my daughter broken promises. You may ask yourself how I know this? It’s because my daughter’s boyfriend brought me all the letters. It took me a whole day to read them and I did not like what was written in those letters. But I can't only blame them, no telling what my daughter has written to them. My question is, do these individuals get any schooling or information on how to answer letters these ladies send them? Because many of these men ask for things that a young lady with a job making $6 an hour can't afford and if they do not bring what these men want, they are scared of what to expect from them. Please tell me how I can help my daughter and how to tell her to stop writing these men. Or is there a web site that would help girls with the similar problems and get help. Thank You A Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned Mother, No, there are no formal letter writing classes in prison to instruct men on how to correspond with the “ladies”, that I know of.. However, the men who write letters such as those to your daughter have been taught well how to do it. As far as teaches them, the teachers are all the “ladies” who continue to accept and respond to that stuff. You said it yourself, “they say all the things she wants to hear”. Apparently, there are as many lonely individuals with low self-esteem outside of the prison as there are inside the prison. If your daughter were a minor and these men were sending letters and making contact with her against her will, you would probably be able to contact the prison authority and they could put a stop to it. However, the source of the problem here appears to be your 27-year-old daughter, not the men in prison. She would have had to initiate all the contacts with those men and give them her home address and other personal information for them to contact her. Your daughter’s probably has more immediate problems and involvements that need to be addressed than just writing letters to men in prison. Maybe you could get her to seek professional advice and counseling to figure out what’s going on in her life. Good luck. MB

P.S.: While you’re at it, get yourself, (and your daughter’s clueless boyfriend), some help with that problem of reading other people’s mail.

Sample Parole Letter

2009-06-23T21:10:00.002-04:00

This is a sample parole letter. Fill in the areas with your personal information, or delete what info you do not wish to include in your letter. A parole letter should be short and to the point. Good luck.

Your name

Your Address

Your City, State & zip code

Date

Re: (Name & prison ID number of loved-one)

Dear Sir/Madam; (If you know the name of the parole board member use it, if not use sir/madam)

My name is (Your name) and I am writing this letter on behalf of my (husband, son, friend, etc), (name of loved-one and prison I.D. number). This letter is to ask that you vote positively to grant him parole when he appears before the Parole Board, on (date of appearance before parole board).

I understand, and I will never forget, that (love-ones name) was sent to prison for committing crimes that will have lasting negative effects on the lives of many innocent people. I would never disrespect the seriousness of his behavior by offering an excuse to the board members. All I can say is that (name of loved-one) has worked very hard while he has been incarcerated to make himself a better person, deserving of another chance in society.

Should you decide to grant him parole, his family will be there to support, encourage and motivate him through a successful transition and progression into a positive member of society.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

(Your name)

Fears Husband Will Seek Revenge Against Her

2009-06-23T21:00:00.002-04:00

Here is the short of it. My Ex-husband is soon to get out of prison again. I was a witness for the state of Wisconsin against him when we went to court. He told me when I get out bitch you’re dead. He was sent away for 20 years. That was 3 years ago. Now I here he will be out for Christmas or in early 2007. I want to write to the parole board to make sure he can't get out. Since I have known him he has been in prisons five time and gets out early every time. What happened to three strikes and you’re in prison for life? While I was married to him I lost every thing, including my home and every bit of money. He forged my name and wrote checks for over $4000 and doesn’t get anything for that. I want him to stay right where he is - locked up.

Dear LD, If you were the victim of his offenses, you may have a right to appear before the parole board to express your fears about your ex-husband threatening you. Below is the address for the Wisconsin Parole Commission. Contact them and tell them your concerns. They may also be able to tell you when he is scheduled to be released. You may also want to take out a restraining order against him in case he does get out. Good luck. MB

The Wisconsin Parole Commission,

Alfonso Graham, Chair

3099 East Washington Avenue

P.O. Box 7960

Madison, WI 53707-7960

Phone (608) 240-7280

Facsimile: (608) 240-7299

Email: parole.comm@doc.state.wi.us.

Website: http://search.wi.gov/cs.html.

Mom Feels Guilt and Anguish

2009-06-23T20:52:00.003-04:00

My son (21) was arrested last year for selling marijuana from a house where he was living at the time. I really feel guilty sometimes because he would not have been in that house if I had not thrown him out of my house. I love my son and my other two younger children with all my heart, but he was selling out of my house and I could not stand by and have our house raided by the police and jeopardizing my children’s safety and my job in NJ schools. I asked him to stop several times, but he kept bringing drugs into my home and I told him to leave. Turns out that may not have been the right solution to the problem. He moved in with a friend just next door and they both continued selling from there. Sure enough the SWAT team came and arrested everyone inside that house. My younger children and I witnessed it all. I cried and cried. He was given a plea to attend an in-patient drug program for 6 months, before being sentenced last week to 3 years in NJ State prison. He received a 9-month parole eligibility, and was given 6 months credit for the rehab program. I hated to see him go to prison, I figured well, this may do him some good, now I'm not so sure. He has been told by many of his fellow inmates that he will probably remain in the county prison for about 3 months (when he should be eligible for parole) and then be transferred to a state facility. They say he might remain there for 6 months before the parole board gets around to him. My son says the guards say the parole board will call him when they are ready. He is terrified of going to a state prison. He went into this plea believing that he would be paroled after 3 months, if he maintained good behavior. Now we don’t believe that will happen. My questions are; can he be paroled from a county facility if he has a state prison sentence? Also, do you believe he will actually be paroled in the 3 month time period? Finally, how do we petitioning the parole board if this does not occur as it is supposed to? Thank you so much. Jo

Dear Jo, The parole board knows when it's time for your son's parole hearing. They’re always backed up, so exactly when they’ll see him is another story. County jail time usually counts toward his sentence and state prisoners can do their time in the county jail. It sounds like you did what you had to do to protect yourself and your other children. Had you not acted it would have been your home the SWAT team would have been raiding. You shouldn't apologize because you have to work, or because you are too tired, to the prison every weekend. He made his choice and he has to live with the consequences. Unfortunately, you also suffer because, after all, he is still your child. Finally, you should also limit those expensive collect calls from prison. Tell him to write more letters. Maybe he’ll he will learn from this experience and make you proud one day. Good luck. MB

PrisonWife Concerned About Disease

2009-06-23T20:49:00.000-04:00

My husband is coming home soon and I am really happy and excited about it. I’ve heard a lot about the problems in prison with HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis, Tuberculosis, and even parasites like body lice. I have been thinking that I would like for him to go to a doctor and get a physical check-up when he comes home. I’m talking about blood work, urine analysis, and the works. My problem is that I don’t know how to ask him to get an exam. I don’t want to offend him or make him self-conscious. He is not sick, that I know of, and he has not shown any symptoms of anything. Am I right to be concerned or am I just being too paranoid? Healthy

Dear Healthy, There is a growing epidemic of infectious diseases like Hepatitis C and HIV/AIDS in the prison systems and definitely a potential after-effect of the prison experience that can be deadly. Some prison systems vaccinate all inmates against infectious diseases. Some prison systems only vaccinate long-term inmates. Some states don’t vaccinate at all. Most correctional systems have extremely poor care and treatment programs for inmates who have contracted these diseases. You are very wise and have every right to be “paranoid” and concerned about your health risks. You not only have every right to ask him to get a physical, you have an obligation to make him get a physical - not only for your sake, but for his sake also. Depending on his age and how long he has been in prison he may be long overdue for a complete physical check up. He should get checked for things like Diabetes, Heart Disease and Colon and Prostate Cancer. Let him know that they have a new prostate test that does not require the doctor sticking the rubber-gloved fingers up the rectum procedure. Most men can be sensitive about that procedure – coming out of the joint and all.. Unfortunately, the doctor will still have to go up there to check the colon. The good news is that he will be asleep for the colonoscopy. If you don’t want to hurt his feelings, make an appointment and get checked up together. Good luck. MB

New Boyfriend has Teardrop Tattoos

2009-06-23T20:38:00.003-04:00

I met a guy on parole and he has a two-teardrop tattoo on his cheek (under his eye), and I think this may pose a problem if we decide to get serious. I know that the teardrops are supposed to be a sign that gang members use to show that they have killed someone. He is not currently in a gang, and I have a hard time believing this guy killed anyone. It's a sure give away with the tattoos. I also have a fifteen-year-old son who has met him briefly but didn't get close enough to get a good look at his face (my son knows what the tattoos mean). Do I ditch this guy and move on, or see where it takes us. If things get serious I can ask him if he'd get the tattoos removed. CC

Dear CC, Whether he has killed anyone or not, your man appears to have committed to a gangster/thug lifestyle when he had those tattoos put on his face. How can he possibly get a legitimate job? As long as those tattoos are on his face, anyone who looks at him will know who he is and what he is about. As they say, “it’s written all over his face.” You must remember why he put the tattoos on his face in the first place. He was making a statement about who he. Any man serious about changing his life would not have to be asked or told to have them removed. You have a fifteen-year old son who you say knows what the teardrops represent. What impact do you think seeing that tattoo will have on him? Whether you “ditch this guy” or not is up to you. I do suggest that you do your homework and take it real slow with this person before you start bringing him around your loved ones.

Wife Harboring Anger at Husband

2009-06-23T20:27:00.006-04:00

When my husband went to prison for selling cocaine we lost our house and everything. I was not making enough money at the time to pay the bills. My three children (2, 5, 7 at the time) and I moved back with my parents until my name came up in the rent subsidy program and we were able to get our own apartment. It has been four years and I have been able to complete school and I’m earning enough money where I was able to get off rent subsidy last month and even buy a brand new car. The problem is that my husband is coming home in a few months and I’m not really feeling it like I should. I love my husband and I’m happy that he is getting out of prison, but I think I’m still holding onto the anger I had for him tearing our family apart. We have talked about it and I know he is sorry about it, but he lied to me about selling drugs and it left us with nothing. I’m just hoping that I can get over it. LO

Dear LO, The first thing is to make a decision about whether you want to be with this man or not. If you don’t want to be with him, it is only fair that you let him know as soon as possible. He deserves to have time to make alternative arrangements for his release plan. If you do decide to remain in this relationship, you are going to have to get over it and prepare to move forward together with him. You have stayed with him for four years while he was in prison, so it would seem that you still have love for him. If you have love, you have forgiveness. Either way you may need to look into professional emotional and spiritual counseling for yourself. Good luck. MB

Mom Dad Helpless and Confused

2009-06-23T20:22:00.004-04:00

My 20 year-old son has been out of prison on parole for almost 2 months and I am very concerned, mainly. He was away for 18 months and I do not see any positive changes in him. I realize that he was returning home from jail and not college, but my husband and I was just praying that his experience would have a good effect on him. My husband and I have taken him job-hunting several times and he is suppose to be looking for work on his own, but it is obvious to us that he isn’t really trying. He got a job with a landscaper last week, but that only lasted one day before he was let go.I am also not sure what the parole officer expects of him, but I have doubts about what he tells me he is doing with his time. We think he is hanging with the same friends again. It’s difficult to really know what he is doing during the daytime, because my husband and I both work. I thought the parole officer would help more but she only has been to my home one time, just before he came home. My husband and I have worked hard to give our son a good home, but right now we both feel helpless and confused. MK

Dear Mom, Your son is 20 years old and no longer a minor,The first thing I would do is sit down with your son and lay down some rules. Whether the parole officer has given him a curfew or not, it’s your home that he is walking in and out of whenever he pleases. If your son is like most youngsters, he isn’t going to get to concerned – or motivated - as long as he is being supported by his parents.Parole is only temporary and he is going to have to motivate and push himself, at some point in his life. Your son has a long tough road ahead of him, but he’s young and he can still turn it around, if he wants to. It sounds as though he has many of the support pieces in place that many other young people don’t have.The first thing I would suggest is that you sit down with your son’s parole officer and find out exactly what he/she expects of your son. You also should find out what is expected of you and your husband. If you haven’t already read a copy of your son’s parole certificate, with the “conditions of parole” spelled out, you should do so right away. As long as he lives in your home his parole responsibilities will have an effect on your lifestyle and privacy also. The parole officer should also be able to give you literature that outlines and explains the rules of parole, as well as what your rights and responsibilities are. You should also ask the parole officer’s responsibilities and intent in assisting your son while he is being supervised on parole.If you are concerned about your son’s lack of progress you should express they to the parole officer. Good luck. MB

Wife Needs to Vent

2009-06-21T20:27:00.001-04:00

I'm writing because I need to vent and in hopes you can shed some light on my situation. I have been involved with my child's father for almost 18 years. I stood by him when he was sentenced to 7 years back in 2000. I did all the prison stuff a girlfriend would do. We talked, I visited etc. We made plans of being together once he was released. Well during one of our conversations, he mentioned that he intended to use marijuana when he was released. I told him that he could not smoke weed at home and he became angry. At that point 'our' place became my place and from then on he was so negative. My last conversation with him he asked me if I didn't hear from him would I try to find him. I told him no. Then he asked me why and I told because I felt he wouldn't want me to and why would I have to try and find him if we are together? To make a long story short he lied about his release date, got released sooner than what he said and I have not seen or heard from him since. The question I've been asking myself is did he simply use me to help make him comfortable while he did his time, or did my objecting to his wanting to use drugs make him change his mind? He has a history of substance abuse (crack) and always moves up to his drug of choice eventually. This is what I was trying to avoid/did not want about my child/his child. Also, when he was first incarcerated, there was another women in the picture, but to my knowledge she no longer was that's why I'm not sure. Also what is the recidivism rate for parolee's with substance abuse problems. I'm just angry that I fell for his BS. As for yourself it's wonderful to know that a person can change if they want to and put forth the effort to do so. Thanks. Need to Vent.

Dear Need-to-Vent, I doubt whether your telling him that he could not smoke weed in the house caused him to change his mind about his relationship with you. You have been together for 18 years and have a child together, you do the whole “girlfriend thing” while he was in prison, yet he lies to you about his release date and doesn't tell you where he is. The most people on parole with drug problems go back to prison sooner or later. Don't worry, you'll be getting a “collect call from a correctional facility” from him, probably sooner than later. You may have went for his BS while he was inside and it may hurts for a while, but you probably find out that him not coming to your home will save you a lot of future grief and BS. I’m happy to hear that my book “How to Love & Inspire Your Man After Prison”, was helpful to you. Good luck. MB

Should Mom Let Son Back In

2009-06-21T20:22:00.001-04:00

My 32-year-old son will be paroled in the spring of this year after serving over an 11-year sentence for numerous armed robberies. He was not busted for drugs, but heroin addiction was the motive. My husband (not his biological father) and I are planning on welcoming him back into the home (we have a 13-year-old son as well) and help him get on his feet. He is already giving me a lot of grief because I am not willing to accept his girlfriend coming to our home and "hanging out." She was recently released from a drug rehab for heroin addiction. Her parents strongly object to my son. I want him to take it slow and we'll see how it goes, but he is displaying a lot of anger about this issue. I want with all my heart for him to succeed. I would like to know, in your experience, would it be better to give in and see how it goes, or stand firm and if he needs to live elsewhere, so be it? FYI - he has done drugs frequently over the years while still in jail. Any tips on agencies to help new parolees would also be welcome. Thank you very much. Mom

Dear Mom, Ray Charles could see that you and your husband will be welcoming misery and trouble if you let this man (let alone he AND his woman), into your home. He’s already causing stress and he’s not even there yet. If he wants to get help for his addiction there he knows where to go. But, let’s be real, he is getting high in the joint. Do you think he is just going to stop now that he’s on the street? Good luck, Mom. MB

Good Dad Gone Bad

2009-06-21T20:17:00.001-04:00

My ex-boyfriend was in prison for 3 years, on parole for 1, and now re-incarcerated on a 0-5. Before prison he was a wonderful mate. A great surrogate father to my 2 children and really became my best friend. We also developed a deep bond that I never felt before, we could tell when the other was distressed, thinking about each other, basically feel what the other was. He was also the only person who could reach my daughter who is Autistic. He became my soul mate and I wanted to spend my entire life with him. I stayed by his side through all of his court proceedings and for the entire 3 years he was locked up. I was 100% faithful and devoted to him, our relationship, and our little family. When he was first released things were a little different but wonderful, for about a month. We had to move a month after his release, and then everything went downhill from there. Another month goes buy and I notice changes and talked to him about them, everything was still overall okay. A few more months went by and nothing was okay. He wouldn't get a job, was impatient with the kids, became verbally and physically abusive, refused to help with anything, and just became someone I don't like. A few months before sent back on a new charge, we were going through very difficult times (besides the relationship issues) and he refused to come home from his parent's house, and almost had an affair (it didn't get a homerun). Since he had been out we have had a problem with him and other women. So when I found out he wanted his ex-girlfriend's address so they could write each other, I broke it off with him. This was by letter about a month ago and he has not written me back but has told his sister that he is hurting every day he doesn't hear from me. Now that you have the background info, here is my question...I have just discovered what prison does to people and the changes they have to make. Do you think that I stay with him and try to help him with the new information I have researched or do you think I should just let him go? P.S. I am so sorry this is so long. C

Dear C, Whether you stay with this man or not is up to you, however, you are only fooling yourself by overlooking the obvious and making excuses for this man. Yes, prison changes a person, but don’t be so quick to blame his behavior of his prison experience. Prison doesn’t necessarily make a person verbally and physically abusive. Did you really know him before he went to prison the first time or do you only know what he tells you? He obviously had problems before he ever went to prison. You couldn’t get him to come to you from his parent’s home when he was on the streets, but he is “hurting for you” now. One of those things that make you go – Hmmmmmm! Good luck. MB

Hubby Stuck on "Get Rich Quick"

2009-06-21T20:13:00.001-04:00

Is it common for guys coming out of the joint to get very sucked into "get rich quick" schemes? If so, how common is it for them to remain attached to this garbage when they come home? I mean, is this something that occupies their time while they are inside and daydreaming about "untold riches"? Or is this something I should be concerned about? He's talking about sinking a lot of money into "turning over a profit in real estate" based on infomercials he's had nothing but time to watch all this time, plus "making a killing being a professional gambler". D

Dear D, Unfortunately, more men than you think spend years in prison thinking up the perfect “get rich quick” scheme for when he gets out. You must remember it was that very kind of thinking that got him in the joint to begin with – “minimal effort, maximum reward”. The good news is, at least your man is not planning to become the next big Drug King or mobster like “Scarface” or “Al Capone”. The bad news is, unless he is planning on getting a real job in the meantime, his end result will probably be the same as Tony and Al, dead in the street or dying in prison. There is nothing wrong with having dreams. Dreams are good. Everyone should have dreams. Daydreaming, however, is dangerous to a man coming out of prison. He must have a practical plan for getting out that he can build on to reach his dream. Many men think they can come right out of prison and immediately step into their dream. It doesn’t work like that. Has he researched the restrictions and requirements of obtaining a real estate license in his state or whether parole or probation (if he has any), would prevent him from being involved in those professions? I would recommend that you send him a copy of my book, “How to Do Good After Prison”. It will give him some good advice on reaching his dreams after prison. Good luck. MB

I Told Him I Cheated

2009-06-21T20:09:00.003-04:00

I have been married for three years to a man who has been in prison for the past six years. About two months ago I cheated on him. When I came to him to tell him he already had a feeling about what I was going to say. Throughout the entire relationship nothing has been easy since I am his only support system. I do the packages every month, never miss the weekend visits and when he has a trailer visit I was always there. I never missed a beat. When that incident occurred I was very naive and venerable, because it had been along time since I've had that kind of contact with the opposite sex. But that does not excuse what I did. Now my husband wants nothing to do with me and he told me that in his eyes I'm no longer his wife. That was the hardest blow I have ever been dealt in my life. I love my husband very very much he means the world to me. I always thought that we had a bond that no matter what we could work through anything. I guess I was wrong. I would love to have my husband back and I know what I did was wrong. Also, I know that it will take time because now he's hurting and that I have no control over. Since I told him I haven’t been to see him, because he will not accept the visit. I moved here for him to be with him I just got caught up and now I have nothing. It’s been two months and I haven’t had a good nights sleep or a meal because when I think about what I did I get upset all over again. It was so hard for me to forgive myself and I know he has not. I miss him so much no words could ever describe. I’ve seen this problem with the other couples in the prison and they seem to work things out. I just don't know why is so hard for us to do the same. I just really would like to receive another chance to prove to him that this will never happen again. I really feel that if he truly loves me that we could work this out. All I could do now is put it in Gods' hands and pray. LT

Dear LT, Yes, he is hurting now and it is going to take time for him to come around. You must have expected this reaction from him. Why else would you tell your incarcerated husband that you cheated on him? This is like his worse nightmare come true. He may eventually forgive you, however, he will never forget. Also, his forgiveness, or acceptance, will come when he starts missing those monthly “packages. I don't know how much he attempted to control and manage your movements before this happened, but you can to be sure that he will be on you like the CIA from now on.That being said, you shouldn’t beat yourself up because you gave in to your natural desires, under the circumstance. As a man I can tell you, if the shoes were on the other foot and you were the one in prison, it would not have taken him 3 days to be out there doing it. He wouldn’t lose any sleep over it either. I hope the 2 of you can overcome this and move on. Good luck. MB

Married to a Career Criminal

2009-06-21T20:03:00.003-04:00

Yes, I am still married to a career criminal I am in the process of filing my papers. I feel like such a fool because I really believe that he would change. Yet after doing two bids with him he still came out and within eight months he was back in. I don't feel like the typical jail wife etc. I am a nurse and my husband is really a very sweet and loving person who has a drug problem. I have tried everything to keep him out this last time, but the crack "was calling him". I don't nor never have used any drugs and I can't understand how you can give up everything special to you for a high. I have moved on with my life yet I miss him so much. I can't ever go back to that type of life, jails visits etc. It’s so beneath me, I feel that I deserve someone who can meet me half way and we can build. Not someone who destroys everything that I build. I pray that the lord can help him and others like him. Its so sad to see a good person wasting away in those jails like animals, but it worse to see those young ladies wasting there lives away with them. I know that the men in prisons are someone children, but I feel that they learn some very bad behaviors in there. They use people; and brain washes the weak. If any one could learn from my experience that would really make my pain worth something. I have seen so many things, I have seen so many come out and out of 10 couples only 1 of those couple are still a couple and he just came home 2 months ago after 18 years, so that to early to tell. I would elaborate, but I would be wasting my time because unfortunately the young girls who need to hear my story, either won't listen or can't see it because they have learn the hard way like we did. Thanks for letting me express my feelings. MT

Dear MT, Of course you deserve better. Most women deserve better than they are getting from their man. you speak the words of many prisonwives that I hear from. Many of them just have not verbalized it to their man or done anything about it as you have. I wish you and your husband the best of luck. MB

Parole Transfer Question

2009-06-21T19:57:00.003-04:00

I am 24 yrs old with a one year old daughter. I have a fiance in incarcerated in Illinois and I live in So Florida. He recently requested a parole transfer and it was denied. I called the parole bored there a couple of months ago and they told me he needed to put in for a transfer 8-months before his out date which is march 2010. The family that he has in Illinois does not speak to him. Me and our daughter is the only family he has. So what do think I should or could do? TA

Dear TA, First you need to know why they denied his application for transfer? There is a lot of complicated factors and variables that go into having ones parole transferred to another state. First the two states, in this case Florida and Illinois, have to have an agreement to accept parole cases from one another. Not all states have an interstate agreements or compacts such as this and if they do, there are all kind or stipulations and qualifications on who they will accept. it not like states are anxious to take on another states burden. Most states won't accept people with violent crimes, such as rape, murder, etc. It is also usually required that the parolee have a job and support/counseling services lined up - as well as a relative there. Unfortunately, the fact that the two of you are not related or legally married will be a big factor working against the transfer being approved. He can still put in for the transfer after he is out. Maybe a little time out before he comes to stay with you will do you both good. Give him a little time to adjust and get those things in place in FL to get them to accept him. Best of luck to you both. Do Good. MB